Still

 So, I figure I should show up here.

 I'm sorta new to this, sorta not. I have more questions than answers. More hope then despair.

I have to do this though.

I probably have RA. That used to be shattering to me, but now I can stare at it, like a piece of mail sitting on the counter. I spent a year going about knowing it was perhaps true but needing it to not be. I don't need it to not be anymore.

This blog is to get things out there. Spread them out and see what there is. See what I can learn. See what comes with these two letters, RA. In my opinion, they are too close to each other. At least in my life. A really should be near B, (the chemistry those two have), that wouldn't mean big, scary, shaky, uncertainty to me.

It feels good to have a reason. Why this or that happened. What triggered it? I don't know. That used to feel so incomplete. I used to look for insight into what it could of been. I have my top favorite guesses. And some Friday nights over wine, it causes me to laugh.

I used to wonder if everything would always feel so heavy. So narrow. Inflammation markers, joints, and pains. Blood work and spaces. Spaces that I felt left in. At some point I started to see things differently. I saw those spaces as places to be found in. I think we all want to be found. Its not really the space that finds you, its God who says things like, still, even with this. Still.

This page will share my RA journey. Whatever I feel like sharing. Whats helped, what doesn't. I've found the most usual things have helped me. Things like laughter, and connecting. Raw milk and tough realities. Sex and diet. Strangers and things ordinary. My husband and kids. Family and friends. A hero or two thats turned out to be an asshole. Still. Even still.